I haven’t been writing in this blog all that much these days. Part of that is because of that picture up there. I mean, not literally the picture is causing me to write less, but that little girl sitting on my knee is getting a lot of my free time.
Would you believe me if I told you that was part of the plan? When Cara and I began seriously talking about having a child one of the first things I realized was that here was an amazing chance to change my life. I am, by nature , the kind of person who likes to be alone. I have always been drawn to solitary habits and diversions; working in a photography darkroom, writing, painting, playing video games etc. what I didn’t do was hang out with groups if people, join clubs, tow the line, enjoy the game. My only interest in “the group” was how to get as far the fuck away from it as possible.
As you might imagine, this doesn’t make one a lot of friends and is a real drag on a relationship. It also goes from being a “that’s just how I am” sort of thing to a “ok this is pathological” really quickly.
So when we began to try for a baby it occurred to me that here was a situation where being a reclusive hermit was not a fucking option. My little girl demands and gets my attention, even when I don’t want to give it, even when I’d rather be alone, and I love it. Even when it’s exactly Not what I want to be doing
I love it! I do not, and will not, be the “absent dad”. Luna may one day wish that I would back the fuck off, but I will never knowingly make her wish she had my attention or love. It will be there without her having to ask.
One of the blessings that meditation has given me is the clarity to see my own bullshit, I simply can’t lie to myself knowingly anymore. I can’t rationalize my character defects, blame others for my life, or hide behind some constructed facade of tough guy ness. It has left me naked to the world and while I still have plenty of faults, I can’t pretend not to see them or explain them away. I knew, even before she was born, that I was going to have to make major changes to my way if dealing with the world lest I screw up my child’s development and sense of worth.
I welcomed it even as it scared the shit out of me. When were together the phone goes in my pocket, the games get turned off, and Sesame Street replaces Iron Monkey and BladeRunner. I like to sit on the floor with her, I pretend to gobble her feet up and she occasionally toddles over and gives me a big hug. I am here for those hugs, really here!
So I plan to keep writing here, but it will be whenever I have the time. Thanks for reading.