12 months used to seem like a long time to me, like a road that you can’t see the end of over the curve of the planet. Hell you can form a human being (albeit a very rudimentary one) in 9 months, and by the time a year goes by you may hate those you once loved, you may have lost one or many you cared for, you may forget millions of thoughts and memories. A year seems like a long time. Or, it used to anyway. There’s a funny thing that happens as we get older, time (like Einstein told us when weren’t listening) stretches and contracts like elastic goo and the months, the years begin to come fast and somehow for all their speed with less urgency.
2011 has seemed to fly by for me even faster than last year, even more so when I realize just how many amazing people I have become close to this year alone. I worked conventions with Cara in 5 cities this year alone (and most of those in the first three months of the year!) I celebrated my one year anniversary and mourned the one year since our great friend Erica passed away. I have watched nieces and nephews grow up and begin to form the seeds of personalities. That mysterious process where one brother becomes a tiny gentleman and the other a tiny terrible viking, when a babies incoherent goo’s and bababa’s suddenly, almost imperceptibly begin to mean something.
I’ve wasted huge swaths of my year brainless and out of touch with reality, it’s a curse I often find myself battling. I slowly fade out and disengage from the world, sometimes for days, sometimes for months til one day some spark in my head flickers and I realize I have been sleepwalking and that its time to open up my eyes and really live! Maybe this is what depression looks like since I’ve started meditating, instead of curling in a ball and giving up I just robot my way through life til the gloom lifts? I don’t know, but the sure symptom is an overwhelming urge to play video-games for 6 hours at a time! (it might just be time to blow up my x box and computer)
I’ve felt the tiny step forward with my tattooing, I’m really sensitive to it these days. I’m hyper-aware of each miniscule bit of data and i jealously file it away in my brain knowing that eventually that they will pile up just enough for me to go up one small level closer to how I want my tattoos to look. I’m beginning to be patient with the process, beginning to see every line, every shading as practice. Drilling the new lessons into my muscles til they respond automatically and execute an idea that I could only imagine weeks or years before.
Cara and I have also begun to try to have a bay of our own in the past few weeks. She is awash in books and new information about things like basal temperatures and cervix positioning, its like she is studying for a graduate degree and having babies I feel sort of lazy and stereotypical as I sit back and just wait for her to tell me when its the optimal time to give it a go. “Durr, jus’ tell me whar yew want this sperm, ma’am.” We have also had some interesting conversations about our relative readiness to have children, we may be fooling ourselves, but we both feel like any children we may have now will turn out a lot better than if we would have had them when we were younger, dumber, and far more self-centered. It’s a curious fact that its only after ones “optimum” child-bearing years that we get our shit together enough to be the sort of parents any child of ours would deserve. Fuck, 25-year-old me couldn’t be trusted with raising a cat let alone something as complicated as a human!
So 2012 may be the big one for us, we are certainly hoping so, if we wait much longer my kids may have grampa-dad syndrome where I yell at my own kids to get the hell off my lawn!
Most of all right now i feel an enormous sense of gratitude. I am incredibly lucky to have been born into this life, to be surrounded by such loving and patient people, to be given a chance to make a living while at the same time always being challenged by that livelihood. I am truly lucky to want so little and to be given so much, so are all of you, I hope that in 2012 all of us can realize what a gift this life is.