Its seven AM on January first 2010. I can just barely see the first light of the morning peeking through the blinds in the kitchen. In winter its not the warm glow Im used to, but a cold grey lightness among all the colder blackness. Still its pretty cool to be awake when the sun is rising. If you dont happen to be from a place with old buildings and really cold winters you may not know that one of the fun side effects of those two things is how dry the air gets in your house. The constant heat from radiators and the lack of humidity make sleeping a chore as your entire throat and nose dry out to the point I need to wake up every two hours to drink water. Eventually I give up and just stay awake.

Its not so bad really, getting up super early, and when i get out of bed Eddie (the dog) growls at me for moving him. He totally sounds like a grumpy old man and even if Im 99% of the way asleep it still makes me chuckle to hear him do that. Cara doesnt snore but she does occasionally breathe heavily, and when Im awake Im glad to hear it, sometimes in the middle of the night if i wake up and she isnt making any noise I get this irrational fear that something might be wrong so i touch her back or arm to make sure she is still ok. Maybe im checking to see if she is still  real. If i stop and think about how much more amazing my life is with her in it I cant believe  how lucky I am.

New year, sentimental and all that. Its gone by really fast! They always said that the older you get the faster the years fly by, of course I never really understood that. i didnt understand I lot when i was younger, sometimes I feel like I must have been the most clueless person on earth with all the stuff i didnt see that was right in front of me. Oh well, I got the “time goes by faster when your older” thing though. At least.

Which is funny to think about. It always sounded so sad, the years whizzing by faster and faster til all the sudden you are gone and then who knows!? But it isnt really sad, at least not yet, because I think the reason it goes so fast is because we stop worrying about every little detail and let life take care of itself. I dunno, I certainly worry a lot less about things these days, not in a lazy or pessimistic way, but in confidence that things will, by and large, work out just fine. I suppose if I wasnt so lucky and my life had been full of travails and misery I wouldnt feel that way. But its worked out so far. Maybe it goes faster because the more you live the less you have to discover outside, maybe for babies time crawls because everything in their world is a first and even something as ordinary (to me) as a lightbulb or a pattern on a carpet is worth really really investigating. That shit takes time, baby time is probably really slow.

I suppose new years  is when we make plans to be better people. To give up bad habits and patterns and start good ones. I think I get tripped up because I cant just make a plan to start, my plans always involve the whole thing start to finish. Im gonna get up early every day then Im gonna meditate,then im gonna draw more, etc etc etc. Meanwhile I end up sitting on my ass and feeling guilty because I didnt go accomplish this laundry list of stuff thats made up in my head anyway. This year maybe Ill try to set my goals the way an archer sets his aim. Point at the target the best you can and let ‘er fly! Once the arrow leaves the bow your bit of control is over and that thing is gonna land where its going to land. Hopefully this year Im just going to aim well and let loose.

Seven thirty and I can see the bare branches of trees now silhouetted against light gray, time to head back to bed and make my dog grouchy and make sure that Cara is still really real.

Categories: Buddhism and life, random dumbness | Tags: | 1 Comment

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One thought on “resolution

  1. Mike

    Happy new year!

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