When I was young i used to get depressed. In hindsight it really doesn’t seem like what my adult self would call “real” depression, it was very self-pitying and full of ‘poor me’ about how down I was. i think this is a natural part of being a teen age person, the world is so new and unusual and you have this new found mandate to assert yourself in it that everything takes on that dramatic majesty. it all looks rather silly and drama queen-ish now, but at the time it sure felt powerful.
these days I don’t get depressed about those sort of existential hormone induced problems. Im very comfortable with the world and my place in it, and even dramatic or frightening events really cant dent that core of peace and stability that Ive discovered. Not to say that I don’t feel every bit as much as I did (these days Id be tempted to say that I feel more and more genuinely) but that the buffets and blows of life dont feel like they are all going to overwhelm me anymore.
Instead i sometimes get the ‘blahs’. Its a strange sensation that borders on both boredom and depression but never actually sets foot in either camp, its what a new-agey person might describe as ‘low energy’. I can and do laugh as easily as ever and im still excited to do things and love spending time with my wonderful girlfriend and insane dog, but i just kind of feel a little numb to everything a bit. its not unusual to get this time of year as the skies grey over and I mentally hunker down for the long winter of short cold days and bitter freezing nights. I have the impending shop change to think about and some minor health issues on my mind that make it hard to stay in the moment.
Still, all that meditation seems to have helped to uncover a fundamentally contented and happy part of myself and even with everything that life deals me I feel basically joyful and grateful. Im truly blessed by all that I have and those who love me, even with the ‘blahs’ I can still smile knowing they never last long.